09:54

I lost my creativity.

Saving thoughts and photographs has always been a hobby. I loved taking memories and keeping ‘em. I loved taking videos, making scrapbooks. I love every keepsake I could have. I still love doing so. But, looking back, I think I’m not the same. I take photos just so I could post something on social media. I shoot videos so that I could put it together in a reel. I take a keepsake in every destination so that I could show off that I went there. It’s not just for me anymore, and I hate that. I want to keep making memories for myself. I want to gain back being creative in a way that I love doing so. Doing simple poems, making a narrative out of a situation, scrapbooking, collecting polaroids. But I just ended up collecting notebooks that I haven’t got to write on. My books have been lying as a display. I only use pens at work. And, I hate that.

I have to keep all my shit together and find my creativity. Fuel the smouldering flame left of it and keep it burning.

0139

I can’t sleep. This has always been my dilemma. I’ve been staying up late eventhough I always wake up to a headache. So many thoughts, every night.

Tonight, it’s my realization and appreciation about beaches.

When I was a kid, I’ve always felt jealous about other kids or people who go to swimming pools because I’m so used to going to the beach that I always thought, why do we have to go to beaches and not to those nice looking swimming pools?

My grandma used to tell us they like going to the beach because salt water can heal you or that it’s healthier to swim there rather than pools. I didn’t understand much as a kid of course. Though I enjoyed every trip, I just didn’t appreciate that. Now, I love beaches & I don’t just appreciate the beauty of it but all the memories as well. I love the calmness. I love looking at it. Not very much the swim, but just going there is so therapeutic. Maybe now I understand more of how my grandma felt going to the beaches, not just because of it being less harmful to the body than pools but because it’s an escape from all the madness. It heals.

1105

I want my me time in the morning. To wake up on my own pace & slowly warm up on what I needed to do. I don’t want small talks, I just want my peace ‘cause I tend to suffocate. I want to recharge my social battery first before getting into conversations. I get easily annoyed once I’ve only had like half of my me time, sometimes, I even get drained in the middle of a hang out & just shut down & be quiet in the corner. When I open up on my own, everything will go smoothly and it will never feel like I’m a snob.

I don’t want people deciding about what I have to do, of course, I hear guidance too but I hate hate people giving me instructions like I’m not in my mid 20s, and take note, married. I don’t want people being a bit too know-it-all in my life. Don’t just barge on my slow days and feel like it’s okay for you to decide about what I have to do or where I want to go.

1119

Didn’t expect my family to be this emotional. Maybe I really am the favorite, lol. I just never thought they cared that much or maybe I’m the one trying not to be taken cared of because all my life I just wanted to get out of all the problems that I didn’t realize I’m being too harsh. The moment I felt all the changes from adolescence, I’ve been keeping secrets, been doing things on my own, been wanting to be let alone. I was never too dependent to them but damn, I didn’t know it would be this hard too.

0318

I guess I’m still in a state of shock. I got excited the first time I read it but then it just suddenly hit me. I have been waiting for this but the longer I waited, the more I got used to just waiting and not expecting for the moment to come. I don’t know how to feel, what to feel. I guess I need more time to process all that’s happening. I have been accepted to work, mini business is doing good and suddenly this — I mean, it’s good, great even but I just feel so emotional that I suddenly have to leave. I just didn’t think of it sooner. I wish I prepared myself for this. I’m beyond happy and excited but sad all at the same time. But, everything’s for the better, it will be.

1118

I have been overthinking things eversince and I don’t know, I just wanted things to be different but it always turns out the other way around. I try to do stuff that I end up regretting. Though there were good times, of course, but I couldn’t help but think that it could’ve been better if I didn’t shy away and worry too much.

741

Early morning. You feel anxious upon waking up, not knowing how or what to feel. Just, empty stares somewhere in the corner. Just another day that should pass, but it’s so overwhelming and I don’t know, this shouldn’t be a big deal but I can’t feel it like I used to. I remember overthinking about certain happenings and just thinking too much about the people around me being uncomfortable and it’s so weird that I feel the same way today. I act so crazy happy, carefree and all that but afterwards overthink about every little thing I did out of impulse. I just want to feel like going with the flow, not expect anything and accept that it is what it is. Please, let it be.

0649

Damn, I love our dog so much I always almost cry of sadness whenever I feel like we shouldn’t be too close. He’s just the cutest and the most adorable that I want to always make sure he’s okay, he eats, he doesn’t feel too sad or he doesn’t lack feeling loved. I don’t know what I’d do but I need to avoid being too touchy and him being so clingy. I love it but I don’t want him to feel depressed when it’s time that we can’t see or take care of him. He’s just too precious and it really sucks if we both have seperation anxiety. Though I think I’m already having anxiety just thinking about it.